Thinking about my new friend. He has a lovely smile, a kind demeanor, and he’s quite the scrumptious kisser. MMM, HMMM! It’s been a pleasant experience thus far. Curious, gentle, and sweet. I would like to play some more, please! BLUSH!!! We went out for Indian food last weekend and had a good time. He called me the next evening and we chatted for a while. I’ve invited him to a holiday gathering of some close friends of mine this Saturday night. My only worry is that I do not want the stress of my life to get in the way of the two of us enjoying ourselves. We both deserve to lighten up and have some fun. He enables me to smile and just be. Quite a nice feeling. I want to be as much a positive addition for him as well. Time to snuggle. I may just purrrrr! (goofy me!)

Well, what do ya know?!?!

The wondrous, and most reverant sam, ushered me through a little editing of my blogging template. Lo and behold, if folks are so inclined, one can leave comments about these comments, and other past comments, regarding comments on other comments noted in this blog!!! Thought, for a moment, that I heard angels singing! Oooooo...

samb39, you are a kind, kind teacher. thank you, thank you, and thank you. :)

Just lovely! Lovely blogging jibberish!!! Ain't it the best?!?

A happy moment, assisted by sam,

vigilantly,
jagged

dear d.
yes, indeedy. :)

today, felt excitement for the first time with the idea of a home. surreal aptly describes these last few months ... well, honestly, it describes my entire life. this current direction is full of promise and good stuff. closer to 'home'. HOPE is something i've not been in one on one contact with in a long while. enabled it in others, but not felt worthy to entertain it for myself. don't know if that makes any sense to you. but, things are pretty interesting. strange, refreshing light shining through. ambivalent.

lindsey is well and thriving (a wondrous smart alec with a good sense of humor, if ever there was one. PAYBACK!) steve is steve (very well for him). my folks are officially ancient and doddering. had a visit with them last night. my pops is dealing with a severe bout of bronchitis ... he's not coming up and out of this as well as he or anyone else would like. he and my mother went to the doctor today. we'll see what's up. i'm the 'one' who keeps tabs on this particular couple of 50 years. they are turning into children and i am fortunate to be of assistance to them. a gift of a profound experience.

and YOU! (pointing my finger in your direction) ... you are havoc in my heart. yep. that oooooold, worn story. still working on the composition for the advertisement regarding a replacement ... maybe you could help me out with that. there's a mound of crinkled paper behind me that has built up over the years. all attempts at articulating something missing from my life. maybe this year i'll finally grasp it and become published. yeah, right-ee-ooo. and pigs can fly ... (well, with all the 'top secret' genetic research going on, one never knows!) after long (and i mean loooooooooooooong) consideration, don't think a replacement exists. have had a few mediocre stand-ins. some LESS than mediocre, i must admit. ah well. none of it boring.

my brother said, recently, during a rare, one-on-one conversation with him, "life is unforgiving and stops for no one." i must dedicate something to him. some sort of thing. a chapter ... a scupture ... a wing of a psych ward ... a pint of blood (oh, that's 'donate'). not sure what. we shall see.

sometimes i wonder to what extent i may have disappointed you. or if i've bored, or disgusted you with my behavior. i know. they seem pointless, these thoughts. but they float through in great numbers, like schools of aimless, little fish darting around in a vast ocean. yeah, the vast ocean of my mind ... no land in sight ... YIPES! it's the Bermuda Triangle!!! erp ....

'strange bird', admittedly.

peace, heart o' mine.

p.s. - do YOU promise to keep in touch? well, i'm annoying, yes. but, YOU! you are an equal! have mercy ...

Heyyy ...

As some folks already know, I went on a blind date last night.

Met at a "Starbucks". Got there early. Brought my lap top and a couple of books.

It was peaceful enough for about twenty minutes. Then, "people" came, it seemed by the truck loads. Soccer mom's, resigned father's, strange "Starbuck's" children. The adults were introducing themselves to each other, stating their names and their occupations. The children were pre-adolescent girls doing their utmost to "be" cool. Dean Martin Christmas carol's were blaring in the background. The only other sound that topped the muzak was the voice of a father repeating back the wants of the herd ... double checking and making sure ... he was truly in command of the situation. And the searing tone of his voice was taking command of my brain. So, I packed up my laptop and scooted outside. It was fairly cold, but very well worth the relief. I sat out in the cold, in a 'mini-mall' sort of place, close to a curb, next to a car, fiddling around with my computer and reading for an hour or so. Almost, forgot that someone was meeting me there.

As I was spending my time, I happened to ponder a bit about how my perspective of "The Holidays" and "Christmas" has evolved through the years. In my youth, I reveled in the gaudy Delacroix-like, incense infused, pyromaniacle, Handel's Messiah, Roman Catholic, Latin, mid-night mass experience. The church would begin pitch black. And slowly, people would enter with white candles aflame... all following the priest who was dressed in his finest gold threaded vestments with his crucifix staff in hand, and a number of alter boys in red trailed behind him (long gowns with white lace blousing layered over the red). There was a magnificent manger located at the front, right side of the alter... where a statue of "Joseph" usually stood. Every Christmas, "Joseph" would mysteriously disappear and I would feel sorry for him.
Anyway... one of the alter boys would be carrying a statue of the infant Jesus all the way down the loooooong aisle to the manger. When they reached their destination, the boy handed the icon to the priest. As the priest set the statue in the hay-filled, makeshift crib, the lights of the huge church would slowly come on ... depicting "The Light of the World Being Born". Pretty incredible stuff for a child to witness the first few impressionable years of her life. That wasn't the end of it ... before the mass started, there'd be a sound of sleigh bells coming from the rear entrance of the church, and, lo and behold, Santa entered the building. Little gasps of wonder heard all around. He would be carrying a HUGE bag of "stuff" honoring the less fortunate families of the community. All the way up the aisle, "HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!", boomed his voice... and as he reached the end of the aisle, he took off his Santa Clause hat and bowed... then walked over to the manger, set the bag down and knelt before the biblical family scene. As the packed churched became completely hushed, Santa Clause acknowledged "The Light Of the World".

Sounds completely fucked up. But, when I was little, I wept with joy that Santa loved that baby so much ... and I wept with sorrow for that baby and for his mother, because I knew what was going to happen next. I knew, step by step, up through the 'resurrection', the story of Jesus. I had absorbed it at an early, early age. And at that point, Jesus was as real as my Magrife smelling mother standing next to me, her head adorned with a gorgeous, long, white Spanish mantia. My mother, well, she was up there on the same level as the Holy Trinity. But, more frightening. You know that's another story.

What about the blind date? Well, it was alright. Uneventful. Not looking for anyone to ease my heart. It was a pleasant change of scene for a few hours, though. An honest time of yacking about nothing much. He said he wanted to get together again. I said, 'why not'. Sunday, we might do something. I don't seem to really care, because I am consumed with the moving situation which is happening on Saturday. Oops! That reminds me! I've got to go call Public Storage!

not as confused as I feel at the moment,
vigilantly yours,
jagged

"In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion."
--Machik Labdron

hmmm...

"Compassion is more emotionally challenging than loving-kindness because it involves the willingness to feel pain. It definately requires the training of a warrior."
--Pema Chodron

-- A Reflection Worthwhile ... exerpts from a letter to a friend ... --


There's no way in the world that anyone will understand the "who, what, where, and why's" of what you've been through. Its a tall order to ask that anyone understand the depth of Carl's inabilities and the pain caused by his choices. You barely understand the dynamics of it yourself. If you and Mike strike up a friendship, these things will be expressed in due time. There's a strange responsibility we have in sharing the atrocities of our lifes ... in the telling of them. They effect people in ways not considered. Examine your motives behind why you would want to tell Mike that Carl was not a good husband and father. If the reasons stem from resentment and rage, or feeling misunderstood ... don't share that energy with Mike. Share it with your therapist. :)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is so much excellence in your life to be proud of ... don't risk wearing the "shit" of your experience like some sort of coat or banner. I'm not saying that's what you are doing. But just hang back, okay? Relax, and know that you are blessed. And you are well to move on as best as you can, no matter the accuracy of people's perspective of "Carl" (the good or bad of him) ... he is broken and wrong. Your kids are well, you're in an upswing move in your life ... keep it going ... day to day ...


-- Another exerpt from a following letter ... just simple, ponderings ... explorations --


Yep. It's pretty wild.

And also, the idea that your story can effect someone in truly unexpected ways ... ways that no one has a clue about, depending on where everyone is at. I don't know. Life seems too short to spotlight the pain and not spotlight the triumphs.

But you know what? take the energy of the troubled parts (rage, resentment, anger, disappointment) and harness it to help folks you come across in your life. lessons for one and all. we have as much capability to save a life as much as destroy one. unfortunately, we seem more familiar with the destructive side of things ... but NOT unfortunately, really. Just a miracle in disguise. Because of the deep suffering in this life, we may be able to get to the core of another's pain through common empathy ... and maybe help one another every once in a while. got to be better instruments for each other. we're all a family, this human race.

Grace is found in the ugliest of places.

By the way, stand-up Comedy sounds appealing. Just standing on a stage and seeing what comes out. I dare you!!!

Comedy:
1 a: a drama of light and amusing character and typically with a happy ending b: the genre of dramatic literature dealing with the comic or with the serious in a light or satirical manner -- compare tragedy

2 a: a medieval narrative that ends happily b: a literary work written in a comic style or treating a comic theme

3: a ludicrous or farcical event or series of events

4 a: the comic element b: humorous entertainment


< ... Peace ... Good Health ... Clarity of Thought ... Nurturing Compassion ... Believe In The Best Of Us >

Dance Me To The End Of Love - By Leonard Cohen

Dance me to your beauty
with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic
till I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch
and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love

Let me see your beauty
when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving
like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only
know the limits of
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now
dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and
dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love
we're both of us above
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children
who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains
that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now
though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty
with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic
till I'm gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand
touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love

-------------------------- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- -- --- -- --------------------------------

"When it come to lamentations
I prefer Aretha Franklin
to, let's say, Leonard Cohen
He hears a different drum."

---- Leonard Cohen "A Different Drum"

The Worm's Waking

This is how a human being can change:

There's a worm addicted to eating
grape leaves.
Suddenly, he wakes up,
call it Grace, whatever, something
wakes him, and he's no longer
a worm.
He's the entire vineyard,
and the orchard too, the fruit, the trunks,
a growing wisdom and joy
that doesn't need
to devour.
-Jelaluddin Rumi (1207-1273)

Well now ....

A little walk, a little meditation and stretching, and a lot of laughter later ...

Today is a different day (as all the others have been!) :

(1) I am moving my place of residence in two weeks instead of two months.

(2) Which means that my auto insurance will be adjusted to less $300.00 per year.

(3) The original place that I was in line for became unavailable, but the owner has a titch of a sympathy (well, I'll be!) for my situation. He gave me a call early this morning and offered first dibs on another, beautiful, more spacious place that opened up just recently. Of course, being that it is larger (with an actual garage included!), it costs a bit more. But, they're pro-rating my moving expenses so that it will be occupied within two weeks.

(4) There is a tremendous surge of empowerment happening in my psyche all of the sudden. Must get a grip before my brain explodes from this sudden turn of direction! Breathe ...

(5) More walking. More Yoga. Focus ... Balance ... Calm. Relax. ... and NEVER stop believing in the best of yourself!

(6) Whoa! ... ... :)


Most truly,
with empathy,
jagged

One, two, three ... testing. Ahem... Excuse me. Attention! Attention! Paging for assistance. Jaggedbite needs help. Must find release from the darkside.

I seem to have misplaced my ability to lighten up as of late. Through thinking too much and not having enough fun (just a hunch), life has whirled waaaaaaay outta of balance for me. Many tremendous changes taking place ... changes which are due, mostly, to mismanagement of my focus and emotions. It may be true that I have judged myself too harshly, once again. Strangly, this life cannot be experienced any other way. Sometimes, my best efforts can be reckless, damaging, or just plain weak. Hmmm. By jove, I do believe that I have found myself in a deep, dark, smelly depression ...

Time to take drastic measures.


When work is finished today, after taking a long, brisk walk, jagged is going to get herself over to "The Yoga House".

Must find the energy ... to change the things I can, and dig up courage to accept the things I can't , and the wisdom to recognize the difference. A little serenity (and a large dose of Monty Python). Tonite, I intend on celebrating the lusciously absurd and irreverant provocateurs of this planet!!! Gotta laugh!

Yours truly,
jagged

At the nine-to-five job,
utilizing a few minutes
for breathing.
The people that
keep this company
in its stellar condition
have just been notified
that all internet activity
will be recorded. reports
will, in turn, be distrubuted
to all managers.
Discipline measures
will be decided on review.

The company conveys distrust
like an old school, carmilite nun
disciplining newly hatched 1st graders.

An old lesson, highlighted brightly, once again.
13 years of sincere effort and excellent reviews
does not assure a job,
nor does it reflect the most vague sense of respect
from the Corporation.

As stated before, but not absorbed...
... NOTHING IS GUARANTEED ...

Sleep deprived and petrified (in this eternal moment).

Yours truly,
Jagged


Disconcerted. Sleep deprived. Disatisfied.

Insomnia Plagues.

Disconcerted.

Obsessed, lovesick, besotted, and crazed,
this peak of womanhood breaks through sky,
lunges through time and space.
Lands unidentified,
vast lightyears away from it's youthful pretense.

Forgive,
for this taste
compels me,
intrigues me,
propels me,
and completes me.

Forgive,
for this taste
is just that,
and not more.

Well, hey there! Check out what I just read with regards to compassion …

“To feel true compassion for all beings, we must remove any partially from our attitude toward them. Our normal view of others is dominated by fluctuating and discriminating emotions. We feel a sense of closeness toward loved ones. Toward strangers or acquaintances we feel distant. And then for those individuals whom we perceive as hostile, unfriendly, or aloof, we feel aversion or contempt. The criterion for our classifying people as friends or enemies seems straightforward. If a person is close to us or has been kind to us, he or she is a friend. If a person has caused us difficulty or harm, he or she is a foe. Mixed with our fondness for our loved ones are emotions such as attachment and desire that inspire passionate intimacy. Similarly, we view those whom we dislike with negative emotions such as anger or hatred. Consequently, our compassion toward others is limited, partial, prejudicial, and conditioned by whether we feel close to them.

Genuine compassion must be unconditional. We must cultivate equanimity in order to transcend any feelings of discrimination and partiality. One way to cultivate equanimity is to contemplate the uncertainty of friendship. First we must consider that there is no assurance that our close friend today will remain a friend forever. Similarly, we can imagine that our dislike for someone will not necessarily continue indefinitely. Such reflections diffuse our strong feelings of partiality, undermining our sense of the immutability of our attachments.” ------ The Dalai Lama

And there’s so much more. Hmmm, Cultivating Equanimity. And the idea that things, friendships, relationships of all kinds, shouldn’t be taken for granted as they naturally are. The idea that nothing is guaranteed is a welcomed awareness. It enables more room for the preciousness of living. Oh, to have this particular understanding flow through my life reflexively. Well, I promise to keep practicing. Maybe by the time I’m 92, there’ll be a bit of grace, humility, and understanding sparkling through. No guarantees, though.

Now is all that exists. Living each moment thoroughly, and as well as we are able. This moment is meaningful because I have decided to share this effort with anyone who may consider spending “now” reading this blog.

Peace.
Jagged

Am I just the most horrible human being ever?!? So much to be thankful for. Family, friends, kids running around like their high on crack.... you know. It's a common holiday scene. And I'm ashamed because the whole time, I just wanted to flee.

I am so exhausted... I love blogging ... have so much to elaborate on... .but i'm runnin' outta juice. I will, indeed, continue this later. Forgive this clumsy effort.

Peace. Love.

- Jagged

Favorite "Joseph Campbell" Thoughts


A religion of relationships is a religion of exile.

Our actual ultimate root is in our humanity, not in our geneology.

We are all Christs and don't realize it.

If you fix on yourself and your tradition, believing you alone have got "It," you've removed yourself from the rest of mankind.

The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with Nature.

The warrior's approach is to say "yes" to life: "yea to all."

Love informs the whole universe right down to the abyss of hell.

God is not an illusion, but a symbol pointing beyond itself to the realization of the mystery of at-one-ment.

As an adult, you must rediscover the moving power of your life. Tension, a lack of honesty, and a sense of unreality come from following the wrong force in your life.

Work begins when you don't like what you are doing.

Life will always be sorrowful. We can't change it, but we can change our attitude toward it.

Wisdom and foolishness are practically the same. Both are indifferent to the opinions of the world.

You must return with the bliss and integrate it.

The return is seeing the radiance everywhere.

Your real duty is to go away from the community and find your real bliss.

The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.

Out of perfection nothing can be made. Every process involves breaking something up. The earth must be broken to bring for life. If the seed does not die, there is no plant. Bread results from the death of wheat. Life lives on lives. Our own life lives on the acts of other people. If you are lifeworthy, you can take it. What we are really living for is the experience of life, both pain and pleasure. The world is a match for us. We are a match for the world.

Eternity is a dimension of here and now.

The divine lives within you.

The person of noble heart acts spontaneously and will avoid the wasteland, the world of "Thou Shalt".

In time your assertions, they fade and I am lost again, sitting next to truth that blatantly proclaims, "D. ... completion, stillness ... home."

Please, do not hold up the concerns of your loved ones and life's investments as a holy shield to diffuse this admission.

Please, try and understand that I also have equal, heart-wrenching concerns of family, loved-one's, and the tremendous endeavors involved through the years.

"Stoic" is, for me, a ghastly form of denial, apathy, and resignation. For you, it seems to be an instrument of coping, functioning, and protecting the valuables in your life, along with the moral principles and ideology that you attempt to represent.

I beg for your resilience and ask that you forgive my 'arrogance' for i am limited to what I know.

Choices. I've made a few monumental ones myself. Will continue to do so as long as I'm breathing. Again, my only regret is the unavoidable pain that is caused by my wrestlings.

The only truth that does not fade, as God is my witness (and everyone else), is that we are a key part of each other's long way home. You are my heart complete.

Virtue. Love. Duty. Honor. Value. Faithfullness. Truth.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I am here.

Truly,
L.

This life resounds incomplete, stifled, and fake ... with it's nice-enough facade, enough gems and goodness mixed through to be thankful. Pathetic, tragic, anmd unbearable at times. Forgive me.

Virtue. Love. Duty. Honor. Value. Faithfullness. Truth.

Keep thinking that I may resemble the antithesis in your life. Angst and it's death-grip.

Just spinning around, like a water droplet diffusing on the scalding, hot surface of a frying pan ... no one could understand (a tall order). Life is unforgiving and people are filled with biased judgments and orthodox ideas of what "good" is or what "expectable" is ... "God's Laws" and all. I do not feel free, or at ease with the idea of discussing this with anyone. My counselor is of minimal assistance in this area, though she gives it her all.

You have a way of making sense of the whole thing when I am stuck in a place of confusion. Your reasonings keep me stable for, what seems to me, a long while. The only problem is, in time, these assertions, they don't burrow down and stay. They fade and I'm back to where I'm lost again.

I don't understand. Is this another confirmation of my arrogance? If you truly think so, please try to see through it. Help me, please. Help me ease this pressure in my heart. Tell me how this is accomplished without tearing it apart.

I am here, petrified that this continual openness and communication is driving you further and further away.

I regret the pain, and deprivation caused by the troubles of my mind and heart.