well ... here i am. moved, once again.

for comfort ... i've turned to a letter that was written over 11 years ago. it is from a lover for whom there is no loss of love ... we metamorphised into siblings after 5 or so years and he moved to Hong Kong. anyway ... i feel like sharing this letter ... this perspective ... this whimsy ... i live with the misery caused of not knowing whether this individual is dead or alive. please, no matter ... take the following words, the following letter, with some sort of reverance. His name is Paul. And this letter was written on Tuesday, October 6, 1992.

"Dear Lori,

It's not so bad to take from a cheezy, grumpy, greedy, disrespectful, dork of a boss now is it? Well, I did lift a few cards from the old bastard one night when I used to spend my precious time working for the non-appreciative shit. I totally love my new job. Everyone is cool. I can dress totally cozy. We rock out, and I'm making a lot of money, about 400 - 600 more per month than at the Bon. I work at my own pace, I work a lot (50 - 60 hours per week), and I do good work. Is time travel not possible? Suppose time travel into the past was possible. It is reasonable to assume, then, that eventually a lot of people would be traveling through time. Human nature and curiousity would tempt a lot of time travelers to go back into history to witness key events such as the birth or resurrection of Christ, or let's say some faqmous and controversial murder, like the assasination of JFK from Lee Harvey Oswald's location. I'm trying to think of major historical events that were not witnessed by large crowds. Maybe the death of Marilyn Monroe since it has been speculated that she was murdered. Now, if time travel were possible aned available to thousands of people who were all very curious, wouldn't all major events have a ton of people just happening to be "hanging around" and people just happening to "show up" for no apparent reason just before something of massive historical interest occurs? Would there ever be an exciting historical event without thousands of gawking goofs from the future? How many people were in the studio when the Beatles recorded Sargent Pepper? Anyway, enough of this nonsense. I've been missing you a lot, as usual. It was so nice to have you be my sweetie-poo. Do you realize it's been 2 years already since we've split up? I wish I could squeeze you and make you giggle and spend a bunch of time having fun with you. So, how the heck are you? I hope things are going well for you and life feels good to you. Are you enjoying your classes? Learning a lot? Meeting new, interesting, and fun people? I will visit you in about 2 years, at least, who knows, maybe sooner. Come to Seattle!!! There's a man on my bus. I see him most every day. He doesn't put a lot of priority on fashion. His clothes are very plain and his hair is just there.; no special care. He talks to himself a lot, but I don't hear what he is saying. He's not oblivious to ther people around him. He once held a door for me. He chooses to walk a further distance always to stay on the sidewalk instead of following the crowd across the well-travelled dirt path shortcut. I wonder why??? Is he concerned about soil compaction? Is he sad for the grass that cannot grow there? Does he just prefer to follow the rules ande stay on the sidewalk? Maybe he only turns in 90 degree angles adn never crosses an area diagonally. Maybe he's never given it a thought. Maybe he hasn't even noticed the short-cut. Maybe he has, but he believes short-cuts are evil and and cause society to be lazy, kinda like my feelings on the microwave oven. Maybe it's something else. Maybe I should just ask him. But, what a weird question to ask a stranger, don't you think?
10/08/92: Not much new from Seattle. I'm working my butt off about 60 hours/wk. Trying to save $400 /month which I am so far. At this rate I'll be in Asia in 2 years if all goes well. 'Why, I remember when we used to masterbate with our hands", said father to his sons who seemed addicted to virtual reality. 'Get your damned head out of that machine boy! You'll go bald, you will!' I really need to move to a new place, but I'm sort of confused about what I will do. I live too far from my work, but I haven't seen anything advertised that's affor4dable near work. Kevin and Tammy seem a bit anxious to have no more renters, but they are not pressuring me to move before I find a good situation, but it seems I should be more active about looking. Unfortunately, my job is in the middle of yuppyville USA and 'low-income housing' is not part of the local lingo. Oh boy! We'll see what I can come up with. May I kiss your thighs? Me so horny! Its' been over a year now since ... Does that stink or what? Life is not supposed to be this way. Then again, some people never have sex., Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ..... I miss being hedgehogs. Oh well. Take care. I love you for ever. Love, Paul ... "

Martin Buber speaks of "I-Thou" and "I-It" relationships. An ego talking to a Thou is different from an ego talking to an It. Wherever we emphasize otherness or outgroups, we are making persons into Its: the gentile, the Jew, the enemy -- they all become the same.

"Totem, tribal racial, and aggressively missionizing cults represent only partial solutions of the psychological problem of subduing hate by love: they only partially intitiate. Ego is not annihilated in them; rather, it is enlarged; instead of thinking only of hiimself, the individual becomes dedicated to the whole of his society. The rest of the world meanwhile (that is to say, by far the greater portion of mankind) is left outside the sphere of his sympathy and protection because outside the sphere of the protection of his god. And there takes place, then, that dramatic divorce of two principles of love and hate which the pages of history so bountifully illustrate. Instead of clearing his own heart the zealot tries to clear the world."

If you fix
on yourself and your tradition,
believing you alone have got "It,"
you've removed yourself
from the rest of mankind.

peace.